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Canada Scraps US Border Wall Project 2016-11-17


Last week's presidential victory by Donald Trump was a shocking and confusing event that left the rest of the world both laughing and crying. The Canadian government was quick to respond with a project to build a wall along the entire 8891 kilometre border, to keep the riff raff out. Many Canadians were of course concerned about who would pay for the wall and who would build it. When pressed with these questions, the Canadian Federal Government announced that Mexico was going to build the wall, but that Donald Trump would pay them US$25 billion to do it. When Trump insisted that he didn't have that many pesos, the project seemed to be in jeopardy but was immediately saved by a number of very generous donations by a plethora of other nations which expressed concern for Canadians' well being.

The New Border Canadian Guard Canada's New Border Guard.

Construction of the wall began on November 14th and appeared to have all the momentum required to meet completion by Trump's inauguration on January 20th in the new year. However, because the Mexican workforce is not accustomed to the cold temperatures of the Canadian winter it was expected that hundreds or perhaps even thousands of lives might be lost during construction of the wall. Protestors in Canada's capital of Toronto who were concerned for the workers were not heard though, as they were hosed by zamboni drivers and froze immediately.

Fortunately, Justin Bieber (sometimes referred to as Canada's most important human) came up with a solution that would keep the border safe, without having to deal with all those worker deaths. He located a polar bear named Paulie who would guard the border in return for an unlimited supply of burritos. Paulie is apparently a very hard worker and loves to eat white people. The plan is to start by just keeping Americans out, and by 2020 Paulie will also start eating white Canadians. There is expected to be no white people left in Canada by 2029. Scientists believe that the remaining population will culturally regress, and expect that once all three levels of mainstream government are dissovled, there will be small splinter tribes that self govern. It is unknown how long the process will take but the consensus is that the cultural landscape is likely to look much like it did before the native population was decimated by white folks. Justin Bieber feels that he is safe because of course he's part Indian... or is it Inuit?

In case anyone read this far and still didn't understand, this is supposed to be funny. The bear's name probably isn't Paulie, I stole the photo from here, and Justin Bieber... well, he is still a pinhead. Canadians probably do not want to hire a bear to protect the US border, and I am a little skeptical that a polar bear could eat 30 million-some-odd people. It does look dramatic though doesn't it? Seriously though... don't mess with Paulie.

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